Are Dating App Filters Making Us Too Picky?
Swiping can feel fun and exciting, but are we being too picky because of it?
In today’s digital dating world, we are promised unprecedented access to potential dates — a near-endless stream of profiles at our fingertips. With just a few taps, we can filter by height, job title, political views, ethnicity, lifestyle habits, music taste, and a myriad of other attributes. Dating apps assure us that by narrowing the pool and trusting their complex algorithms, we’ll find someone who perfectly fits our ideal criteria, and therefore, us.
But is this actually helping us find love? Or is it training us to be too selective, too quick to dismiss, and ultimately too lonely?
A Conversation That Got Me Thinking
In a recent consultation, I spoke with a client in his 70s who is still actively dating on the apps. He expressed frustration over how small, seemingly trivial details were causing people to reject him before they even got to know him.
"I have been rejected multiple times because I didn’t want to go hiking on every holiday," he told me.
He’s a very intelligent and funny person who owns his own business and loves to travel. It shocked me that he was single, if I’m honest. Our conversation got me thinking — before dating apps, would we have ruled a simple first date out with someone for something so minor?
In pre-app dating, when two people met organically — at a dinner party, through friends, or even at a café or bar — they wouldn’t start by bombarding each other with hyper-specific compatibility tests. They wouldn’t lead with:
"Do you drink more than three nights a week?"
"What’s your exact fitness routine?"
"How many centimetres taller than me are you?"
Instead, they would interact, flirt, build a connection, and let compatibility unfold naturally. Sure, dealbreakers may emerge over time — but they wouldn’t be used as an automatic filter before a conversation even started.
So why has dating changed so drastically?
The Filtering Problem: Why Too Many Choices Aren’t Helping Us
Dating apps have trained us to treat our matches like we’re online shopping. However, unlike shopping for shoes or electronics, where more filtering leads to better options for the consumer, filtering in dating often leads to missed opportunities and deeper loneliness.
Why? Because we are not consuming dates like shoes or electronics!
Many filters are shallow & arbitrary
Many of the filters we apply have little impact on long-term compatibility.
Does it really matter if someone is 175cm instead of 180cm?
Does "socially drinks" vs. "rarely drinks" mean you can’t have a great time together?
We are confusing preferences with compatibility
Liking the same hobbies doesn’t mean two people will have a great relationship.
Shared values and emotional connection matter far more than a perfect lifestyle match.
Think about how many great couples exist where one partner hikes and the other prefers sitting on the beach, or one loves wine nights while the other prefers tea.
We are trained to always look for ‘the next best thing’
Dating apps are addictive and create a swipe-next mentality, making us feel like there’s always someone better just one swipe away.
Even when we meet someone promising, we second-guess ourselves: What if someone even more perfect is out there?
The reality? Love isn’t found in a checklist — it’s built over time and often requires (healthy) compromise.
Loneliness & The ‘Bubble Effect’ in Dating
The way we use dating apps is also reinforcing social bubbles, making it harder to meet people outside of our usual circles.
Think about it — if you only filter for people in your profession, you may never meet someone with a fresh perspective on life. If you only date people who share your exact interests, you’re missing out on people who could introduce you to new experiences. If you filter out entire age or height groups, you may be cutting off meaningful connections without realising it.
Studies show that, on the other end of the spectrum, when people have too many options, they struggle to commit. In dating, this means:
People go on more first dates, but fewer second dates.
They feel dissatisfied even when they meet a good match.
They struggle to truly connect because they are always searching for ‘better.’
And yet, despite all of these options, loneliness is at an all-time high — up to 68% of Germans reported feeling lonely last year. Like all social media, dating apps are designed to keep us addicted and using them, at the cost of our potential happiness.
So what’s the solution? Here is my take as a professional matchmaker:
How to Date More Intentionally (Without Over-Filtering)
1. Expand Your Horizons Based on Your Values
Instead of focusing on dealbreakers, try expanding your “must haves” based on what you value and how a person makes you feel, and write them clearly in your dating app profile. Try phrases such as “kind and emotionally available”, “good communicator”, or “shared long-term goals”, with an example for someone to be able to start a conversation about. This approach won’t guarantee instant perfect matches, but being honest and clear about your boundaries is a great start.
If someone fits your values and vision, don’t let a minor difference eliminate them before you even meet.
2. Give Chemistry a Chance
Attraction doesn’t always happen in one glance at a profile photo. Chemistry can build over time. Instead of ruling someone out for something small like facial hair or unfortunate choice of sweater, just try meeting them in person before making a final judgment. Video clips can definitely help get an idea of someone’s body language, which is much more important than a static image. I like the idea of Snack (unfortunately not yet available in Germany), but most dating apps like Tinder and HInge allow you to upload videos. Highly recommended!
3. Step Outside of Your Bubble
Try dating beyond your usual social circles — people from different industries, backgrounds, or cultures. Love often grows in unexpected places. My tip is to check out meetup.com or EventBrite and check out some events that take your interest.
4. Limit ‘Swipe Mode’ & Focus on Real-Life Connection
Apps should be a tool, not the entire dating strategy. Attend in-person events (see point 3), engage in your community, and be open to spontaneous connections. This is especially relevant for people living outside of their home cultures, to meet people in general. A social network will help you stave off loneliness and depression, it’s scientifically proven!
5. Trust That Love Can Surprise You
Many of the strongest relationships aren’t between people who checked every box for each other. They grew into compatibility, adapted, and built a deeper connection.
Would your happily-ever-after really be ruined because they don’t like the same movies as you?
Final Thoughts: Are We Dating Smarter or Just Dating Less?
Filters give us the illusion that we’re making better choices. But in reality, they may be making dating harder, not easier.
The most meaningful relationships aren’t built on perfect checklists. They’re built on mutual effort, shared values, and the ability (and desire) to grow together.
So the next time you catch yourself filtering out a potential match for something minor, ask yourself:
“Would I have ruled them out if we had met in real life first?”
Want to Date More Intentionally?
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Your Turn: Have Dating Apps Made You Too Picky?
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Have you ever been dismissed for something small — or dismissed someone yourself? Send me an email and share your thoughts!
With love,
Alysia